Avoidance Keeps the Anxiety Alive!

by Alex Gildersleeve

Anxiety can be confusing, especially when you can see your child or teenager struggling, but they can’t always explain why.

Sometimes it looks like panic. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like shutting down, refusing, procrastinating, or avoiding situations that “should be easy”.

Avoidance is one of the most common ways people try to cope with anxiety. It makes sense. When something feels scary, uncomfortable, or overwhelming, the quickest way to feel better is to get away from it.

The problem is, avoidance works in the short term, but it makes anxiety stronger in the long term.

This is what we call the anxiety cycle.

What is avoidance?

Avoidance isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it looks like someone refusing to do something. Other times, it looks like distractions, delays, or “quiet quitting” tasks that feel too hard.

Avoidance can look like:

• Refusing school or asking to go home early.

• Avoiding social events, sports, or sleepovers.

• Reassurance seeking (asking the same questions repeatedly).

• Procrastinating homework, assignments, or study.

• Avoiding phone calls, emails, or appointments.

• Not wanting to try new things because of fear of getting it wrong.

• Staying close to a parent, always needing check-ins.

• Only doing things if everything feels “perfect”.

  
  

Even adults avoid too. It might show up as cancelling plans, not speaking up, staying busy to avoid feelings, or putting off difficult conversations.

Avoidance is not laziness. It’s protection.

Why avoidance feels helpful (at first)

Avoidance gives immediate relief.

If your brain says, “This is dangerous,” and you escape the situation, your body calms down quickly.

That relief teaches the brain one thing: “I avoided it, and I felt better. I should avoid it again next time.”

This is how the anxiety cycle becomes automatic.

The anxiety cycle explained

Here’s how the cycle usually works:

1. A trigger happens. Something sets anxiety off. It could be a situation, a thought, or a body sensation.

Examples:

• Giving a talk in class.

• Going to school after a hard day.

• Being away from mum or dad.

• Going to training after a mistake.

• Feeling your heart race or your stomach drop.

• Anxiety shows upYour body goes into fight, flight, or freeze. This can feel like:

• Nausea or butterflies.

• Chest tightness.

• Racing thoughts.

• Shaking.

• Tears, anger, irritability.

• Wanting to leave or shut down.

• Your brain predicts dangerAnxiety makes the brain focus on what could go wrong.

  
  

Thoughts might sound like:

• “I can’t do it.”

• “I’ll embarrass myself.”

• “I’ll fail.”

• “Something bad will happen.”

• “I won’t cope.”

• Avoidance happensTo feel safe again, you avoid.

  
  

That might look like:

• Not going.

• Leaving early.

• Saying you’re sick.

• Doing it only if someone comes with you.

• Asking for reassurance over and over.

• Putting it off until it becomes impossible.

• Short-term reliefAvoidance works straight away. Anxiety drops.

  
  

This is the tricky part, because it feels like the right choice, anxiety grows. Over time, the brain learns:

• “That situation really is dangerous.”

• “I can’t cope unless I avoid it.”

• “I need escape to feel okay.”

And the next time it comes up, the anxiety is often stronger.

This is how anxiety slowly shrinks someone’s world.

Why anxiety gets worse the more we avoid

Avoidance keeps anxiety alive because it stops the brain from learning a new message.

The message anxiety needs to learn is: “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.”

When we avoid, we never get the chance to build evidence that we can cope, and the situation continues to feel unfamiliar, unsafe, or too hard.

Avoidance can also grow. What starts as avoiding one thing can spread to other things.

For example:

• Avoiding one school day becomes avoiding certain subjects.

• Avoiding one social event becomes avoiding friends altogether.

• Avoiding one presentation becomes avoiding all attention.

• Avoiding one “mistake” becomes perfectionism and fear of trying.

  
  

What helps instead of avoidance?

The goal isn’t to force someone into the deep end.

The goal is to build confidence gradually and teach the nervous system that anxiety can rise and fall without needing escape.

This is where graded exposure comes in.

Graded exposure means taking small steps toward the feared situation, in a way that feels achievable.

It might look like:

• Going to school for one period, then building up.

• Walking into training and staying for 10 minutes, then increasing.

• Practising talking in front of one person, then a small group.

• Starting homework for five minutes, then taking a break.

• Sending one email, instead of avoiding everything.

Each time you do this, you teach the brain: “I felt anxious, and I got through it.”

That is how anxiety reduces over time.

What about reassurance seeking?

Reassurance seeking is a type of avoidance too.

It might sound like:

• “Are you sure I’ll be okay?”

• “What if I get sick?”

• “Promise nothing bad will happen.”

• “Can you come with me?”

• “Can you check it again?”

  
  

Reassurance can be comforting in the moment, but if it becomes a pattern, it can stop someone from building their own confidence.

A more helpful approach is supportive but steady responses, like:

• “I know this feels hard, and I also know you can handle it.”

• “Let’s take one small step.”

• “Anxiety is loud, but it’s not always accurate.”

• “We can do this together, and you can practise doing it on your own too.”

  
  

When to get support

If avoidance is starting to affect school attendance, friendships, family life, sleep, or daily functioning, it’s a sign that extra support could really help.

A psychologist can help with:

• Understanding what triggers the anxiety.

• Building a step-by-step exposure plan.

• Developing coping strategies that work in real life.

• Supporting parents with what to say and do in the moment.

• Helping your child feel confident again.

  
  

How we can help at Head On Health

At Head On Health, we support children, teens, and adults with anxiety using practical, evidence-based approaches that are paced and individualised.

If you’re noticing avoidance becoming a pattern, we can help you understand what’s driving it and create a plan to move forward.